Breaking the silence on abuse experienced in my childhood was the most difficult thing I have done. One of the first reactions I got from my family (after the initial shock/sadness) was a question. They asked me why I hadn’t said anything sooner. Disclosing abuse is one of the hardest things anyone can do, whether that be physical, mental, emotional, sexual, childhood, financial, religious or any other kinds of abuse. So much grace and patience has to be given to abuse survivors for navigating through their wounds however they needed. Many times the survivor is made to feel like it’s their fault that they were abused. They have carried shame for so long that it becomes difficult to recount what happened without feeling like somehow, somewhere, it was their fault that those things were done to them. (My full story is here)
Barriers to breaking the silence on abuse
Aside from the misplaced shame that so many survivors carry, another barrier to disclosing abuse is the perceived and actual lack of support for survivors. This is true from a life cycle perspective where we have life stages for everything like going to school, graduating, getting a job, getting a car, getting married, having children and the list goes on. But there is no particular life stage to heal or finally face the things that happened to us or hurt us in our childhood or life journey.
This is made even more difficult in cases where speaking up could disrupt family relations or friendships, it’s almost easier to stay quiet and take those secrets with you to the grave. I can truly understand that as someone who had no intention of EVER recalling or sharing the abuse I experienced. I come from a complicated family with my father and his wife, and their children. So being an ‘outside’ child, it made it even harder to not feel responsible for breaking apart a family. My whole life I felt like I carried that weight and responsibility all on my little shoulders, and it deterred me in every way from thinking that speaking up was an option. I shared this on my YouTube channel here too.
Even in my thirties, I was still afraid that my truth would destroy their happiness, and I was also afraid of what it said about MY value that something like that happened to me. I tried my best to bury it down for many years, and I worked so hard to be excellent and ‘perfect’ in every area of my life; physically, financially – in my career, my ambition, my friendships, relationships, faith, and everything. I was so caught up on being ‘perfect’ that I didn’t really leave room to reflect or even fester on my journey because I was just filled with so much shame. I once said to my therapist “No one wants to hear about abuse on Instagram, it’s not GLAM!” because I was so scared of letting go of my life’s work of pursuing perfection.
Looking back, I actually did a fantastic job at appearing ‘perfect’ but the truth is, it NEVER went away. It was like a growth in my bloodstream that followed me around everywhere I went. You can’t see it or name it, but you feel it there, or you feel its effects eating you up from the inside – like an invisible monster slowly gnawing away at you until there is nothing left. Sometimes it feels like there’s nothing you can do to stop it. But I share my story to tell you that it’s possible to heal.
It’s not easy at all – I had to properly work on myself through therapy where I was very actively participating, intense and intentional prayer, and daily affirmations of God’s word over me, it took months and years but I had to believe that I had value. That my existence wasn’t a mistake or something to be ashamed of. That I mattered, I was created for a reason, and I deserved to be free and happy just as much as everyone else. And you deserve that too.
So, if you’re reading this and have been through something similar, I need you to hear me when I say this; it was NOT your fault. You are not responsible for the abuse that was done to you or for how you were treated or made to feel. You have nothing to be ashamed of and there is nothing wrong with you. You are beautiful and your story is beautiful even if it has some dark parts in it. You deserve freedom and peace.
Healing from what happened to me was literally the hardest thing I’ve had to go through. Unburying years of pain, shame and repressed memories then having the courage to talk about it and unpack it was something I thought I could never do. It was not part of my ten-year life plan (lol), but I’m so glad that God led me to it. It has changed my life and is the best thing I could have done for myself. It’s not easy and it’s not fast but the fear goes away eventually, the pain stops screaming and that monster stops eating at you.
In fact, one day, you get to eat the monster. 😊
I read and met (even virtually) so many people I consider my ‘healing heroes’ who helped me release the shame from my story. They talked bravely about their past, their pain and the wounds that they were actively healing, in a way that I had never seen done before. When I saw them sharing their stories, it gave me strength to let go of my innate great desire for ‘perfection’ and to be honest with myself. I always wonder if I had met, seen or heard these people earlier, would I have got the courage to heal and disclose sooner too?
My hope is that by sharing my story, it will give you a reflection of someone who has been through trauma, survived, healed, disclosed, come through the other side, and overcome! (By God’s grace). I hope to show that it’s possible to touch the darkest and rawest parts of your wound and feel the pain without it destroying you. That you can allow yourself to grieve what you lost and survive the process. Above all, that it’s possible to heal and be not just a survivor, but more than a conqueror through Christ.
If you or someone you know needs support, visit my Resources page.
Love, light and healing x
Metiya
